Pebbles
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|  Subject: Bringing you down  Mon 19 May 2008, 7:30 pm | |
| Have you ever felt as is if your trapped in thee dark
and everyone is pushing you to take that mark
but you fall and hit the ground
and you feel as if your letting everyone down
you sink back inside yourself
and you wish you were an elf
and could just run away
and leave all of your troubles behind
But you can't
They grab your legs
and pull you back down to the ground
It's like surfing
You get on a good wave everything s right
your perfectly balanced nothing can throw you down
but all of a sudden theres water all around
and you've fallen
unfortunately thats life
you just need to get back up there and catch that next wave |
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travdog
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| | Subject: Re: Bringing you down Tue 20 May 2008, 10:32 pm | |
| That wasn't bad Rach! Remember to punctuate in you posts. The first half for some reason didn't keep me interested. Although the second half had more emotion which pushes the reader to continue. Good work.
Keep 'em coming!!! |
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chocolatelover
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| | Subject: Re: Bringing you down Wed 16 Jul 2008, 6:12 pm | |
| I was good!
Some of it didn't flow very well because some of it rhymed and some didn't, but I really liked the examples! Like the surfing one! |
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Vampire!
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| | Subject: Re: Bringing you down Sun 03 Aug 2008, 12:58 pm | |
| It was a good poem. Kinda true.
But I think the first half didn't flow that well in comparison to the second. I didn't like the surfing simile you used in the second part. I think that's were it came undone a bit.
I'm not a huge fan of similes in poems, they always seem to make the poem loose some of it's momentum.
I, personally, preferred the first half to the second.
You also needed a couple of capital letters in places.
But other than that, it was a good poem. Keep working on them.
_________________
Come, gentle night; come, loving, black-browed night;
Give me my Romeo; and, when I shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night...
—Romeo and Juliet, Act III scene ii
"Look after my heart -I've left it with you." -Edward Cullen, "Eclipse" |
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